I Can See the Baby, but I don't See the Heartbeat

Mommy Says:

"I can see the baby, but I don't see the heartbeat." These are the words that echo in my head while I'm trying to sleep. The words I say to myself as I packed away Tyson's "Big Brother" shirt. The words that haunt me as I'm trying not to cry in the shower-again. These are the words that changed my life.

We brought Tyson with to our scheduled 12 week NT scan. We had already taught him where the baby was. Ask him and he'd happy lift up Mommy's shirt to show you her ever growing belly. We thought showing him the moving baby at the ultrasound would be a neat way of helping him understand what being a big brother meant.

Daddy was showing Tyson the baby's hands when it dawned on me. The baby wasn't moving his hands. She was perfectly still. Too still. Inside I was giving myself a pep talk. Switching back and forth between, "Just ask the tech to tell you the heart rate. Everything is fine." to "You've gotta stop pointing out his hands-can't you tell he's not moving." I held my breath.

The tech said she wanted to do a color scan to detect movement. I started shaking uncontrollably.

And then, "I can see the baby, but I don't see the heartbeat." Even though I knew it was coming, I couldn't fully grasp it.

We had heard the heartbeat just one week ago. Just one week ago, I had been looking at baby bedding and cleaning out the office to make room for a nursery. We had picked out a boy name and a girl name. Just one week ago, I had happily put on Tyson's "Big Brother" shirt to tell his daycare provider. I had told my work. I had pictured our first Christmas together. I had imagined a family of four.

Just one week ago.

The rest of the experience has been a blur. A devastating and emotional blur. But, I know this. I know we survived. I know we realize how important our family of three is. I know that I love my husband more than ever before. I know that I hug Tyson tighter every night. I know that we have amazing friends, co-workers, neighbors, doctors, and family. I know why it's called the "miracle of life." I know that my baby is in heaven. And, I know, that someday, I will have my family of four.

Someday.

Until then, I am blessed to have carried our baby for 3 months and know that I will hold him or her again someday in heaven.

And Then I Cried At Swimming Lessons

Mommy Says:

I had forgotten how awesome pregnancy hormones are. While I have been blessed with two pregnancies that (so far) have involved very little nausea or morning sickness - (thank God) - they both involved quite a rollercoaster of emotions (thank God Daddy has made it out of both first trimesters alive).

I'm really trying hard to keep a better handle on my emotions this time around. I'm trying to not letting Daddy's loud chewing bother me. I've turned the music up at dinner to drown out the noise. Also, his snoring, tossing and turning at night-I grin and bare it. I would say the irrational yelling is down tenfold. (Daddy might say differently.)

I cannot say the same thing about the crying.

I cried when we found out (happy tears, of course), I cried when I realized Tyson wouldn't be our baby anymore, I cried when Tyson wouldn't hug me goodbye one morning, I cried when the doctor had to reschedule my first appointment, I cried when I realized chocolate was my food aversion this time around seriously), I cried watching the Biggest Loser, I cried watching the Tide commercials and just last week I cried at swimming lessons.

That was rock bottom. AT swimming lessons means IN PUBLIC. Like where people could see. And I don't even have a belly to justify it at this point. I'm just a strange lady crying at swimming lessons. To make matters worse, swimming lessons are the first "big kid" activity we've enrolled Tyson in. So I'm already that parent embarrassing the crap out of their kid. I probably just got him uninvited from at least 3 two year old birthday parties. Awesome.

But, seriously? Do you see the cuteness? Does it not bring tears to your eyes too? Something about watching my little boy becoming a big boy and enjoying a sport that I loved for so long. Oh, and the pride that stretched across Daddy's face as they kicked and scooped around the pool.

I should note that Tyson loves the "ool" and we have since been to a second lesson where I managed to hold it together. I took Tyson in the second time and loved every minute of bubble blowing and splashing. Tyson seems to enjoy the activity time. He's the second youngest in the class, but all of our trips to the pool have paid off-he's definitely not afraid of the water. He's eager to put his ears in the water and loves to jump in again and again.

Photo Friday

Mommy Says:

I couldn't seem to get the camera to work when I wanted to take this picture. Despite what this blog may lead you to believe, the shirt says, "Big Brother" not "Big Bother."

To clarify:

Tyson will be a big brother this October. We couldn't be happier.

Photo Friday

Mommy Says:

With the warmer weather approaching (albeit slowly), Tyson has become a fan of being outside. He loves to "help" shovel, push his stroller, pick up Lala's "oop" and watch the cars go by. It's a whole new world!

16 months

Dear Tyson,

Last week you turned 16 months old. This is the part in your monthly letter where I'm supposed to bitch and moan about how I can't believe you're not a baby anymore, but honestly? I'm kinda ok with it. As you inch closer and closer to the big 0-2, I'm beginning to fall more and more in love with this toddler stage. While I still miss rocking you to sleep, it's pretty awesome to ask for (and receive) a hug and kiss goodbye. I miss holding you, but love that you'll hold my hand when I ask you to. I miss hearing your soft baby grunts and coos, but love that we can have an actual conversation together (even if it consists mostly of "no-no" on your end).

I am constantly amazed by your vocabulary. It seems as if each day I discover a new word you know. Some of my recent favorites include:

- chicken
- three (tree!)
- towel (owl)

You're pretty much a genius and I'm not just saying that because I'm your Mommy. You can point out nearly all of your body parts including your hair, head, nose, eyes, mouth, ears, tummy, hands, fingers, bottom and toes. You love to read your books (ooks) and enjoy pointing out all of the animals to Mommy and Daddy.

If you don't use the above skills to become a doctor or something equally as great, you could always retain a career as a stand up comic. You're becoming quite the ham. You mimic Mommy and Daddy, you dance in the carts when we're shopping so people look at you, if they don't look at you- you will wave at them until they do, you laugh (loudly) at yourself when we ask you if your funny, and you've taken to spinning in circles (like Lola does) when someone comes to the door.

I honestly don't know what our lives would be like right now without you in it, but I know that they would be less fulfilling and less content. Thank you for making us smile every day.

Happy 16 month birthday buddy!

Love,

Mommy

Photo Friday

Mommy Says:


This pretty much summarizes our family dinners now. Tyson and Daddy laughing hysterically. Mommy having no clue what's going on. It's as if they speak a secret boy language that I'll never understand.....

Maybe one day they'll clue me in. Until then, I'll just marvel at the amazing father/son relationship they are building.